Other self-torture

So you're an expert daydreamer, but that isn't enough for you. How can you bring thoughts of your Adored One into other aspects of your life? How else might you devote yourself to their worship, and what are some of the pitfalls that may lie before you in your chivalrous quest? Here are some suggestions for prolonging and deepening the intolerable ecstasy.

One of the most obvious ways to sing your Adored One's praises is through narrative and poetry. If you haven't already written page upon page expounding their perfection, you had better get started. How in love could you really be if you haven't been driven to the use of clichéd metaphors?

When separated by distance, writing letters is a much more intimate way of staying in touch than sending email. Even when the distance is not so great, daily email banter can be a profitable venture. The advantage of writing over speech, of course, is that you can spend very long periods of time considering each and every word. If it takes you less than about half an hour and three rewrites per paragraph, you are not being careful enough. Try to embed intricate, obscure double entendres which can be seen either as confessions of love or merely as clever wordplay. Remember not to flirt too much, though, lest you accidentally raise their suspiscions. In times that relations are tense between the two of you, you may want to have your emails approved by a close friend before sending to the Adored One, just to make sure you've said nothing too overbearing or creepy. And, of course, when you reach the end of a letter do not neglect to agonize over the closing... "sincerely"? "Love"? "See ya 'round"?
--Some added material inspired by "Jessica" in Tacoma

As part of Communication Rule #1 ("they are incapable of saying anything that is not important"), you can amass quite a body of knowledge about your Adored One's likes and dislikes. This provides you with an unprecedented ability to come up with the worlds's most thoughtful gift ideas. Even if you never have an opportunity to give these gifts, you can at least feel good about knowing your Adored One so well. Coming up with gift ideas also feeds back directly into your fantasies, especially around holidays and birthdays.

Honesty is paramount to any successful relationship, platonic or romantic. How honest have you been?

You may have known from the moment you laid eyes upon them that your Adored One was special, but it's quite possible that it took some time for you to know the full extent of their glory. Such an important event as your very first encounter should be permanently etched into your memory, but some details may have faded because you were not fully aware at that time of the seriousness of the situation. Try to recreate the meeting in your mind as precisely as possible.

Spending time in public with your Adored One is a great way to bond. Quasi-dates like a day at the zoo, a trip to the shopping mall, or a matinee of a Disney cartoon all provide you with the opportunity to feel like there is more to your relationship than there really is. If you're especially lucky, the two of you might be mistaken for a couple by strangers. The Adored One will find this amusing and slightly puzzling, but perhaps if it happens enough they will realize it means you were meant for each other, right? Right?

Sometimes in the course of your regular conversations or interactions, you'll have the opportunity to stand or sit rather close to your beloved. You may even be leaning in towards each other for some purpose such as simultaneously examining a paper. In these instances, do not fail to notice the almost electric aura that radiates from their body. The effect of contacting this aura is usually increased anxiety or excitement. In my experience, it is usually not really noticable until the two of you are within 20 cm or so (around 7 or 8 inches). Although purely psychological, this 'energy' seems almost tangible.

If you manage to work your way into a caring-and-supportive-friend role with that being who is the source of all joy, one of the most significant ways you can help them is to listen as they describe the problems in their lovelife. This is a time-honored method of self-torture, and it is important that you dwell on these conversations at length to be sure you have fully interpreted every last nuance. If you are up to the challenge, this is probably the most excruciating and rewarding sort of interaction the two of you can have. There are a few warnings you should consider before embarking on this path:

  1. Listening to lovelife woes is not for the inexperienced. This is a highly dangerous passtime. Do not attempt it unless you are confident that your pain tolerance is maxed out. Are you ready to give advice to your Adored One on how they can better satisfy their partner sexually?
  2. There will probably be times that your Adored One says something like, "I just wish I could find someone who would treat me well, like you do." Watch out! Despite appearances, this is usually not an invitation for you to tackle them in a loving embrace and begin kissing them.
  3. As a general rule, the people whom your Adored One deems worthy of their affection will be cretinous, uncouth, self-centered black holes of humanity. They may, however, be extremely attractive. Because these base individuals are completely lacking in common decency they will cause great distress to your Adored One; you must be prepared to bite your tongue when your angel makes excuses for this demon and crawls back to them time and time again.

By lying awake in bed thinking of your Adored One for an hour or so before settling into an exhausted, fitful slumber, you raise the chances of having them appear in your dreams.

Music can be very expressive and cathartic. Compile mix tapes (or file playlists, these days). In the case of tapes that are to be given to your Adored One, make sure only one or two of the songs are blatant "I love you" tunes, unless you plan to reveal your feelings to them. Try making tapes for yourself as well; you may want to make a few with different themes, such as "music to wallow to", "love songs that make me think of them", "hopeful and inspirational lyrics", and "mind-numbing loneliness".

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Last modified on 2005-February-11.